We hear a lot about red flags in relationships—warning signs that someone might be toxic, controlling, emotionally unavailable, or otherwise unsafe. And that awareness is important.

But what happens when the red flag isn't someone else?

What if... it's you?

Before you spiral into shame, take a breath. Being a "red flag" doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It means you’re human. We all carry patterns, wounds, defense mechanisms, and behaviors we’ve picked up along the way—some of which can harm our relationships if we’re not conscious of them.

The real question isn’t “Am I a red flag?” It’s “Am I willing to look at the parts of myself that might be hard to face—and do the work to grow?”

How to Begin the Work

🔍 Spot the Pattern

Do your relationships often end for the same reason? Do people in your life offer consistent feedback that’s hard to hear? That discomfort might be an invitation to look inward, not outward.

❤️ Practice Self-Compassion

Accountability without compassion can lead to shame and paralysis. Compassion without accountability can lead to avoidance. You need both. You are not your mistakes. You are capable of change.

🧭 Set Boundaries With Yourself

Just like we set boundaries with others, we need them with ourselves, too. What behavior are you no longer willing to justify, even if it feels familiar or protective?

🌱 Get Curious, Not Critical

What unmet need might be driving the behavior you regret? What would it look like to meet that need in a healthier way?

🛠 Do the Work

Therapy, journaling, honest conversations, and humility are your allies here. Growth is slow, non-linear, and deeply worth it.

Being aware of your own red flags doesn’t make you broken. It makes you brave. Because the healthiest relationships aren’t made of perfect people—they’re made of people willing to learn, to repair, and to take responsibility for their impact.

Common Red Flags We Might See in Ourselves — And How to Grow

These are just basic examples—and simply recognizing them is a powerful first step toward meaningful change.

🚩 Struggling to take accountability (blaming others for every conflict)

🌱 “I can hold space for my role in conflict without shame.”

Accountability isn’t about blame. It’s about ownership and growth. Notice defensiveness and ask: “What part of this can I take responsibility for?”

🚩 Shutting down or giving the silent treatment

🌱 “I deserve to take space, but I also owe clear communication.”

Instead of shutting down, say: “I need a break, but I care about resolving this.” Then follow through when ready to talk.

🚩 Needing constant reassurance and feeling unsafe without it

🌱 “I can learn to build internal safety, even in uncertain moments.”

Work on self-soothing practices, and talk openly with your partner about your needs in a way that invites connection, not pressure.

🚩 Controlling behaviors disguised as care

🌱 “Caring doesn’t mean controlling.”

Ask: “Am I supporting my partner’s autonomy?” Learn to trust others’ choices and boundaries.

🚩 Reacting with defensiveness anytime feedback is given

🌱 “Feedback isn’t an attack, it’s an invitation to grow.”

Pause before responding. Ask: “What truth might be hiding in this?” Then respond with curiosity, not defense.

🚩 Name-calling and cursing during arguments

🌱 “I can express frustration without disrespect.”

Practice self-soothing before responding. Explore what’s beneath your anger (hurt, fear, shame) and use I-statements to express yourself.

🚩 Holding grudges and bringing up past mistakes in every new argument

🌱 “Healing means processing the past, not weaponizing it.”

If something is unresolved, bring it up intentionally, not in the heat of a new fight. Seek resolution, not leverage.

🚩 Avoiding difficult conversations because you fear discomfort or rejection

🌱 “Uncomfortable doesn’t mean unsafe.”

Practice having hard conversations to build tolerance. Remind yourself: vulnerability builds trust.

🚩 Jealousy or possessiveness that feels overwhelming or irrational

🌱 “My partner’s independence isn’t a threat, it’s part of a healthy relationship.

”Explore the roots of your insecurity. Learn to name it rather than act it out through control or suspicion.

🚩 Testing your partner instead of communicating needs directly

🌱 “I can ask for what I need without guilt or games.”

Replace testing with honesty. Say: “I need reassurance right now,” or “I feel unsure and want connection.”

🚩 Punishing or withdrawing affection when you’re upset

🌱 “My emotions are valid, but love shouldn’t be a weapon.”

Take space if needed, but communicate it kindly. Don’t use affection to control or punish.

🚩 Difficulty respecting boundaries

🌱 “Their boundary helps them feel safe — it’s not a rejection of me.”

See boundaries as bridges, not walls. Learn to honor “no” and offer your own boundaries with clarity and respect.

🚩 Expecting others to “just know” what you need without saying it

🌱 “Even the people who love me can’t read my mind.”

Get clear on what you need. Then practice saying it directly and kindly.

🚩 Keeping score in the relationship

🌱 “Love thrives in generosity, not competition.”

Notice when resentment builds and speak up early. Shift from scorekeeping to shared understanding and teamwork. Ask: “Are we both getting what we need?”

🚩 Believing relationships should feel good all the time

🌱 “Discomfort is part of real intimacy — it’s where growth happens.”

Learn to stay engaged through hard moments. It’s not about perfection, it’s about repair.

🚩 Comparing your partner to an idealized version of someone else

🌱 “I choose to love the real person in front of me, not a fantasy.”

Practice gratitude for who your partner is, not who you wish they were. Notice what’s working and speak it often.

No One Shows Up Perfectly

We all have histories, habits, wounds, and defense mechanisms. Being willing to notice our red flags — and work on them with honesty and compassion — is how we move from fear-based relating to love-based connecting.

And remember: The goal isn't perfection. The goal is presence, accountability, and growth.

Therapy: A Safe Space for Deeper Work

Recognizing red flags in yourself is a powerful first step — but real change often requires deeper exploration. That’s where therapy comes in. Working with a trained therapist gives you a safe, nonjudgmental space to unpack the patterns that may be driving your behaviors.

Many of the red flags we struggle with — defensiveness, control, avoidance, jealousy — are often rooted in past wounds, unmet needs, or protective strategies we learned along the way. A therapist can help you gently explore those roots, so you’re not just managing symptoms but healing the deeper pain underneath.

Therapy provides:

• A space to explore your most vulnerable feelings without fear of rejection

  
  

• Tools to help you regulate emotions so you can respond (not react) in your relationships

  
  

• Support in building healthier communication patterns and boundaries

  
  

• Guidance as you practice accountability with compassion, instead of shame

You don’t have to navigate this growth alone. Therapy is not about being "fixed." It’s about feeling seen, understood, and empowered to show up differently in your relationships. Your willingness to do this work is already a sign of courage and care.