As a marriage and family therapist, I often work with clients who are navigating the aftermath of unhealthy relationships. One of the most common questions I get is, “Why do I keep reaching out to my ex, even though I know the relationship was toxic?” It’s a question that can be surprisingly complex and layered, and it’s one that many people struggle to understand.

Here, we’ll explore why individuals may continue to reach out to exes after an unhealthy relationship has ended, and how to begin healing from this pattern.

1. Emotional Attachment and Trauma Bonds

One of the primary reasons people reach out to their exes after a toxic relationship is the emotional attachment, also known as a trauma bond. Trauma bonds are strong emotional connections that form when there is a cycle of abuse or manipulation followed by intermittent reinforcement, such as moments of affection or attention. This unpredictable cycle creates confusion and attachment, making it incredibly difficult to break free.

Even when the relationship is over, the emotional ties can linger. People who are experiencing trauma bonds may continue reaching out because they still feel connected to their ex on a deep emotional level. They may not fully understand that their attachment is rooted in trauma and not love.

Healing Tip: If you’ve experienced a trauma bond, it’s important to acknowledge the bond and begin the process of untangling your emotional connection from the unhealthy patterns of the relationship. Therapy can be a helpful space for processing these feelings and building healthier attachments in future relationships.

2. Seeking Closure

Another common reason people reach out to their exes is the desire for closure. In unhealthy relationships, closure is often elusive. There may be unanswered questions, unhealed wounds, or unresolved emotions that leave individuals feeling incomplete or stuck. When the relationship ends abruptly or without explanation, people may feel like they need to “fix” things or have a final conversation to truly understand what went wrong.

However, closure is something that can be achieved internally. While it might feel comforting to seek it from an ex, the reality is that sometimes the person you’re seeking closure from is not capable of providing it, especially in unhealthy relationships where communication is often clouded by manipulation or defensiveness.

Healing Tip: Real closure comes from within. While talking to your ex might provide temporary relief, focusing on self-reflection, understanding your feelings, and practicing self-compassion can help you achieve lasting closure. Therapy or journaling can be effective tools for this process.

3. Loneliness and Habit

For many, reaching out to an ex is also a way to combat loneliness. Toxic relationships often leave individuals feeling emotionally isolated, especially if the relationship was all-consuming or if they isolated themselves from friends and family during it. After the relationship ends, people may feel the void of that emotional connection and instinctively turn to the ex as a source of comfort, even if it was unhealthy.

Additionally, habits formed during the relationship can be hard to break. If communication with an ex was frequent and familiar, reaching out can feel like a natural next step when feelings of loneliness arise.

Healing Tip: Break the cycle by replacing the habit of reaching out with healthier coping strategies. Try filling your time with activities that bring you joy, reconnecting with supportive friends and family, or seeking new hobbies. The more you re-establish a sense of self outside of the relationship, the less you’ll feel the urge to reach out to your ex.

4. Unresolved Codependency

In some relationships, codependency can develop, where one person becomes overly reliant on the other for emotional support, validation, or even basic decision-making. When the relationship ends, the person who was the codependent partner may struggle with a deep sense of insecurity and fear of abandonment. As a result, they might reach out to their ex to maintain a sense of stability or control over the relationship dynamic.

Healing Tip: Codependency can be difficult to break, but recognizing the pattern is the first step toward healing. Therapy can help individuals build healthy boundaries, foster self-esteem, and develop stronger emotional independence.

5. The Fantasy of Reconciliation

Unhealthy relationships often involve cycles of hope and despair, where individuals hold onto the fantasy of reconciliation. In the midst of hurt or conflict, it’s easy to idealize the good times or convince oneself that things could work out differently if given another chance. The desire to reconnect with an ex may stem from this fantasy, a yearning to “fix” what went wrong or to return to a version of the relationship that felt fulfilling at the time.

Unfortunately, this fantasy can trap people in the cycle of reaching out, preventing them from seeing the reality of the dysfunctional dynamics that ultimately led to the breakup in the first place.

Healing Tip: Reality checks are important in overcoming the fantasy of reconciliation. Spend time reflecting on the reasons the relationship ended and the unhealthy patterns that existed. Keeping a list of these reasons and referring back to it when the urge to reach out arises can help you stay grounded in the reality of the relationship.

6. Lack of Emotional Regulation Skills

Emotional regulation is a crucial skill that helps individuals manage their feelings and make decisions based on logic rather than impulsivity. In toxic relationships, emotional regulation can often become skewed, either because the relationship itself was emotionally chaotic or because individuals never learned healthy coping mechanisms.

When faced with difficult emotions after the breakup—such as sadness, guilt, or regret—people may reach out to their ex as a way to seek comfort or to avoid facing these uncomfortable feelings.

Healing Tip: Emotional regulation can be developed with practice. Mindfulness, deep breathing, and grounding exercises can help you manage emotional impulses in the moment. Additionally, therapy can teach you strategies for managing intense emotions and making more mindful choices.

8. Nostalgia and Selective Memory

Time has a way of softening memories. As the pain of the relationship fades into the background, people often recall the good times more vividly. Nostalgia can create a romanticized version of the past, making them believe that reaching out to their ex could bring back those happy moments—while forgetting the challenges that led to the breakup.

Healing Tip: When nostalgia starts to creep in, take a moment to ground yourself in the reality of the relationship. Write down both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship in a journal or make a pros-and-cons list. Reflect on the challenges that led to the breakup and ask yourself whether reaching out aligns with your long-term emotional well-being. By consciously revisiting the full picture, not just the romanticized moments, you can make decisions rooted in self-awareness rather than selective memory. Journaling provides clarity and helps keep you focused on your path toward healing.

Final Thoughts

Breaking the pattern of reaching out to an ex after an unhealthy relationship requires self-awareness, self-compassion, and a commitment to healing. Recognizing the underlying reasons for this behavior is the first step in understanding why it happens. With support, whether through therapy, self-reflection, or leaning on a trusted support system, you can start the journey toward healthier emotional independence.

Remember, your future self deserves the space to heal, grow, and move on from the past. It’s okay to acknowledge the hurt, but it’s also important to move forward with self-love and a commitment to healthier relationships in the future.